Okay-
So let me start off this post by saying-
I am not the easiest person to live with. I know this. I'm a down right heifer most of the time but at the same time if I love you I will do everything I can to make sure you are happy and that I can do all I can for you...
Need someone to rub your back cause it hurts?
I'm there.
Need a ride to Wal Mart to buy pringles and spandex?
Hop in!
Need someone to help you hide a dead body?
Let me get my shovel.
At the same time I require some reciprocation.
No I'm not going to ask you to help me hide a dead body.....
Today.
Here are some things that I do need:
1. Don't make me feel alone- if I feel like I am going at this all by myself then I will start to worry over everything and obsess and just start to be a person I don't like. Many people say- hey why don't you just- ya know- NOT worry......and I'm all over here like- oh- hey- yeah why don't you just not BREATHE and see how that goes?
I'm a worrier....I worry...don't like it? Then see above and help prevent it....an ounce prevention is worth a pound of cure...
2. Relationships are 50/50....I do things for you...you do things for me....we work together for a common goal (usually preset by the relationship i.e. maintaining the home and all the responsibilities therein)......translation? I am not your maid and I am not your Mother.....
Now- clarification- I am not the neatest person and I do leave stuff strewn every now and then, but I also am getting BACK in the habit of trying to make sure everything stays picked up and at least tidy. Do your part. Help. It's like anything else...you help make it (the mess, a baby, etc) then you help take care of it (clean it, etc)......
3. Physical Contact- this is a big one...I like to touch and to be touched and having my SO next to me....it relaxes me and helps prevent the whole psycho/worrying me from coming out to play....I'm not saying that you have to be by my side every minute of every hour of every day....but take some time out of your schedule and be with me....JUST me.....watch a movie while holding me, just hold me, SOMETHING....no phones, no friends, no distractions....just us.
4. Surprises....Everyone likes surprises and I try to do them as often as I can...whether its making my love's favorite dinner or just taking time out of my schedule to do something unexpected or buying that much wanted gift.....don't be a taker....give a little too....
I am pretty sure there are a few more I can add but this post was spur of the moment and my break is over and I have to delve back into this mound of paper work....
I mainly wrote this post for me- to remind me of what I need in my life...if you happen to find something in this that sparks something in you then by all means take it and hold it tight...otherwise...
have a wonderful day sunshine!
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Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
There I said it.
I feel alone in my relationship.
There I said it.
I am not saying it is true, I am not saying that is how things are I am saying that is how I FEEL. It does not mean that I am alone in my relationship. It means that for whatever reason due to my life up to this point I look at my relationship and I feel alone.
I don't like that he talks to people, probably mostly women all night while I am asleep. I don't like that I almost always go to bed alone and spend most of the night by myself. I don't like that I work and go to school and still do all the cooking and the dishes and the house. I don't like that I don't feel pretty enough for him and that I know he doesn't really love me.
That's not fair.
I don't know that he doesn't love me.
He very well could.
I doubt it.
But he could.
I don't like that I feel this way and I am not sure how to stop it. Well, I mean, I know some people would say to simply tell myself that I'm being a self centered prat and stop thinking it.
I wish it was that easy people.
I don't like that I can't trust him, much less myself. I don't like that I have to do all this for a relationship that I feel alone in.
It makes me resentful, it makes me wish he would just leave.
There is more to life than this?
Right?
I mean, in a perfect world you would have a guy who would hold you until you fall asleep, who'd be in bed with you when you wake up in the morning and who wouldn't stay up all night talking on Facebook to other people. Who wouldn't constantly make you feel, through just the things he says and does that you are not good enough. Clarification on that last point- he is not doing them intentionally, that I know of. He is just being himself and it is me that is reading what I read into them. If I am wrong and he is doing them intentionally then he needs to be shot. That's serial manipulation right there and should be fucking illegal.
Who would remember to do the dishes the one time you ask him to after you'd been through a horrible woman's doctor appointment and the thought of standing at the sink literally brought tears to your eyes.
And you are the one who is made to feel bad when you call him a lazy fuck.
I know there are people who have it worse than me. That the last thing I should be is bitching and whining about a relationship that I continue to stay in.
That's my own personal hell.
The standing joke is that I find the nearest asshole within a 500 mile radius and have to be with him no matter what.
Good to know my powers aren't wavering.
The thing I can't stand is that I know, to an extent, these feelings are complete bullshit.
They're just stupid and yet I feel them.
One of the things I am learning is to not belittle how I feel. I feel it for a reason. I need to look at that feeling and try to find out why I feel the way I feel and to try and figure out what needs to happen so that I can turn that feeling into something strong, something to build on,something positive.
I'm not good at this yet.
In fact I suck at it.
There. I said it.
*This post is mainly for me. If you find yourself in a similar situation and find comfort in my words you're welcome. If you have anything negative to say, save your breath, I've already told myself worse that you could ever type.
There I said it.
I am not saying it is true, I am not saying that is how things are I am saying that is how I FEEL. It does not mean that I am alone in my relationship. It means that for whatever reason due to my life up to this point I look at my relationship and I feel alone.
I don't like that he talks to people, probably mostly women all night while I am asleep. I don't like that I almost always go to bed alone and spend most of the night by myself. I don't like that I work and go to school and still do all the cooking and the dishes and the house. I don't like that I don't feel pretty enough for him and that I know he doesn't really love me.
That's not fair.
I don't know that he doesn't love me.
He very well could.
I doubt it.
But he could.
I don't like that I feel this way and I am not sure how to stop it. Well, I mean, I know some people would say to simply tell myself that I'm being a self centered prat and stop thinking it.
I wish it was that easy people.
I don't like that I can't trust him, much less myself. I don't like that I have to do all this for a relationship that I feel alone in.
It makes me resentful, it makes me wish he would just leave.
There is more to life than this?
Right?
I mean, in a perfect world you would have a guy who would hold you until you fall asleep, who'd be in bed with you when you wake up in the morning and who wouldn't stay up all night talking on Facebook to other people. Who wouldn't constantly make you feel, through just the things he says and does that you are not good enough. Clarification on that last point- he is not doing them intentionally, that I know of. He is just being himself and it is me that is reading what I read into them. If I am wrong and he is doing them intentionally then he needs to be shot. That's serial manipulation right there and should be fucking illegal.
Who would remember to do the dishes the one time you ask him to after you'd been through a horrible woman's doctor appointment and the thought of standing at the sink literally brought tears to your eyes.
And you are the one who is made to feel bad when you call him a lazy fuck.
I know there are people who have it worse than me. That the last thing I should be is bitching and whining about a relationship that I continue to stay in.
That's my own personal hell.
The standing joke is that I find the nearest asshole within a 500 mile radius and have to be with him no matter what.
Good to know my powers aren't wavering.
The thing I can't stand is that I know, to an extent, these feelings are complete bullshit.
They're just stupid and yet I feel them.
One of the things I am learning is to not belittle how I feel. I feel it for a reason. I need to look at that feeling and try to find out why I feel the way I feel and to try and figure out what needs to happen so that I can turn that feeling into something strong, something to build on,something positive.
I'm not good at this yet.
In fact I suck at it.
There. I said it.
*This post is mainly for me. If you find yourself in a similar situation and find comfort in my words you're welcome. If you have anything negative to say, save your breath, I've already told myself worse that you could ever type.
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