Sunday, February 23, 2014

There I said it.

I feel alone in my relationship.


There I said it.


I am not saying it is true, I am not saying that is how things are I am saying that is how I FEEL.  It does not mean that I am alone in my relationship. It means that for whatever reason due to my life up to this point I look at my relationship and I feel alone.

I don't like that he talks to people, probably mostly women all night while I am asleep. I don't like that I almost always go to bed alone and spend most of the night by myself. I don't like that I work and go to school and still do all the cooking and the dishes and the house. I don't like that I don't feel pretty enough for him and that I know he doesn't really love me.


That's not fair.


I don't know that he doesn't love me.


He very well could.

I doubt it.

But he could.


I don't like that I feel this way and I am not sure how to stop it. Well, I mean, I know some people would say to simply tell myself that I'm being a self centered prat and stop thinking it.


I wish it was that easy people.


I don't like that I can't trust him, much less myself.  I don't like that I have to do all this for a relationship that I feel alone in.


It makes me resentful, it makes me wish he would just leave.


There is more to life than this?


Right?


I mean, in a perfect world you would have a guy who would hold you until you fall asleep, who'd be in bed with you when you wake up in the morning and who wouldn't stay up all night talking on Facebook to other people.  Who wouldn't constantly make you feel, through just the things he says and does that you are not good enough. Clarification on that last point- he is not doing them intentionally, that I know of. He is just being himself and it is me that is reading what I read into them.  If I am wrong and he is doing them intentionally then he needs to be shot. That's serial manipulation right there and should be fucking illegal.

Who would remember to do the dishes the one time you ask him to after you'd been through a horrible woman's doctor appointment and the thought of standing at the sink literally brought tears to your eyes.


And you are the one who is made to feel bad when you call him a lazy fuck.


I know there are people who have it worse than me. That the last thing I should be is bitching and whining about a relationship that I continue to stay in.

That's my own personal hell.


The standing joke is that I find the nearest asshole within a 500 mile radius and have to be with him no matter what.


Good to know my powers aren't wavering.


The thing I can't stand is that I know, to an extent, these feelings are complete bullshit.


They're just stupid and yet I feel them.


One of the things I am learning is to not belittle how I feel. I feel it for a reason. I need to look at that feeling and try to find out why I feel the way I feel and to try and figure out what needs to happen so that I can turn that feeling into something strong, something to build on,something positive.

I'm not good at this yet.


In fact I suck at it.


There. I said it.




*This post is mainly for me. If you find yourself in a similar situation and find comfort in my words you're welcome. If you have anything negative to say, save your breath, I've already told myself worse that you could ever type.